“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – Dalai Lama
The other day I wrote in my blog that I was happy. I had slept well enough for me, was able to spend quality time with 3 friends and I felt like a “normie”. But that kind of happiness, although welcome, is conditional: if I’m not anxious, overly sleep-deprived or seizury, I feel happy.
Recently, I had an exchange with an old friend via email. I had noticed before that he seemed quite cynical and I suggested a book he might want to read that I found uplifting. In the exchange, I told him I wanted him to be happy. He responded that “happiness is a strange thing” and went on to say that in many ways his life was blessed. But a few years ago, his son died in a tragic accident and there were times he felt devastated and had a hard time functioning. He said that next time we talked he would try to be more upbeat.
I had to think about what I wrote. How can we be happy when a loved one has died, especially tragically? How can we be happy when our lives are diminished, when our activities are limited, when we are in pain? Is happiness even a realistic goal? And is happiness only based on outside circumstances?
I instantly wrote back to my friend that I didn’t want him to be inauthentic. I didn’t want him to pretend to be “upbeat”. What I wanted, I realized, was for him to not get stuck in bitterness, which I feared was what was happening. I’m afraid of that in myself sometimes, or that I’ll fall into a pit of despair and not be able to come out of it.
I think a deeper, more intrinsic kind of happiness is based on kindness and compassion. Suffering and hardship will come to all of us some way or another. If we hold ourselves and each other with kindness and compassion, we tap into what could be called our true nature, and that is based on not only no conditions, but is comforting and always available.
And yet, I know how hard it is to deal with an on-going illness, and how it can lead to bitterness, depression, despair, and other difficult mind states that can overwhelm us. Therefore, to get in touch with our innermost self, we need to cultivate kindness, compassion. This takes practice, continual practice.
This, in my opinion, is what leads to true happiness. If we strive towards a happiness that is only based on outside circumstances, we are eventually going to be disappointed; for these circumstances are bound to change. But when we strive for happiness that is based on our own natural resources, we will be tap into something that can never be taken away from us.
What do you think?
Edited to include an additional paragraph