epilepsy

there are times I feel

 like there’s a monster

      in me squirming around

      living in my belly taking

over my life

  it’s evil – that’s what it

feels like

evil.

     it also feels like my soul

       can’t decide whether to

live or die

   that it’s trapped

   that it sits in some

   kind of purgatory

        (not that I believe in

        purgatory not that I

        am being punished)

 

         today I don’t want to write

       about how to lift my spirits

or yours

but how this monster

lives inside me

all day all night

epilepsy for me isn’t

   about having seizures

    or not having seizures

           it’s about something other

               than myself ruling my body

something I have no

*#>&%!! control over

    something that doesn’t

                                                               wish me well

that’s how it feels

stuck being life and death

 

but then here I am living

on the planet and I gotta

    pay bills and eat and bathe

              and feed the cats and do errands

                 and try to act like a normal person

but

                                                           I’m not normal

                                                           and it’s hard you know

                                                                it’s hard